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Blake’s Advice Column

Ask Blake Picture111

Dear Blake,

My daughter is going to marry her fiancé in the near future. She loves him, by I think he’s a total loser. I know she’s making a huge mistake, and I wish I could stop the wedding. What do you think I should do?

Signed Martina,
From Los Angeles, California

* * * * * * * *

Dear Martina,

I know it must be very difficult for you to stand by and watch what you perceive as a major mistake by your daughter. Thus, I would strongly encourage you to stop that wedding, and I came up with a few ideas. Pay the person that’s performing the service to faint as she starts walking down the aisle, and not to wake up until everyone has gone home. Call the location where the wedding is taking place a couple of minutes before the ceremony begins, telling them that a bomb has been placed somewhere in the building and it will be going off soon. If you do that, you will sound even more convincing if you try to speak with a middle eastern accent, or tell them you’re from some domestic terrorist group that opposes all laws including the ones that covers civil marriages. You could inconspicuously place flyers next to the book where people sign in, with a fabricated image of your son-in-law to be, stating that he’s currently wanted by the police for selling crystal-meth to senior citizens in retirement communities. But, if you really want to get rid of him permanently, hire some day workers in front of Home Depot, and have them build a trap door on the exact spot where the groom will be standing. And right before he says “I do”, have the trap door open, that causes him to fall down into a pit filled with hungry alligators that literally tears him to pieces. And hopefully some witnesses would have seen the day workers rigging the trap door, and the police will assume that the suspects fled back to Mexico. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 09/28/2013


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