Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Ask Blake Picture111

Dear Blake,

My New Year’s resolution is to try to stop saying so many dumb things on a daily basis. I consider myself to be reasonably intelligent, but moments after I make certain statements throughout the day, I can see why so many of the people I interact with are under the impression that I’m not very bright. I am going to do my best to change. What do you think?

Signed, Blanch
From Oak Park, Illinois

* * * * * * * *

Dear Blanch,

I absolutely understand, you, just like many other people around the globe want to make a fresh start and try to improve yourself to begin the year. But come on, let’s be real. The statement you made that you say dumb things on a daily basis suggests to me that you’re probably an idiot. The good news is, that puts you in the majority with the people in this country, which includes actors, actresses, certain journalists, and nearly all of Congress. In my opinion you shouldn’t try to change, because it’s likely that you’ll fail, which will further magnify your justified feelings of inadequacy. However, it’s not entirely your fault, as science has proven that your type of stupidity is usually genetically transferred, validating that more than likely both of your parents are imbeciles. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 12/28/2013


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or