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Blake’s Advice Column

Ask Blake Picture111

Dear Blake,

I am in a business that has me flying all the time. While on the flight, I want to focus on my work or sleep, but I always wind up sitting next to some guy that wants to talk my head off, and I want to be left alone. I don’t want to be rude, but I hate the distraction. What do you suggest?

Signed, Darrin
From Dallas, Texas

* * * * * * * *

Dear Darrin,

I know that trying to stay focused or relaxing on a flight is very important to business people like yourself. And I know how difficult it can be to do that, if you’re sitting next to a babbling buffoon. Here are some suggestions on how to shut these idiots up. Always bring with you some homemade muffins laced with sleeping pills that you kindly offer them. Have enough in each one to knock them out for the duration of a flight from Los Angeles to Honolulu. You can also take your elbow when they least expect it, and crash it into their foreheads. This will daze them temporarily, while you splash some alcohol on their faces, and then tell the flight attendant that they’re drunk and you want to be moved. But, if you want to get them banned from flying permanently, have a note sent to the captain, telling him that you are sitting next to a man that is bragging about his knowledge of explosives, and how much he hates the filthy imperialistic U.S. government. That will get him booted off at the nearest airport, and possibly sent to Israel for a lengthy enhanced interrogation. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• March 8, 2014


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