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Blake’s Advice Column

Ask Blake Picture111

Dear Blake,

I am 5’3” and I only weigh 130 pounds, and I work at accounting and finance for a very large corporation that everyone has heard of. Here’s the problem, because I am a small guy, I am constantly being bullied by a few men from the same company. Sometimes it’s even worse than when I was high school. They pick on me every chance they get and I hate it. What would you do if you were me?

Signed Artie,
From New York City, New York

* * * * * * * *

Dear Artie,

It is unfortunate that you are subjected to this treatment regularly, and you should tell your employer that these men are creating a hostile work environment. However, before I reported them, I know I would sleep more soundly if I committed some underhanded acts on them first. Here are some ideas. When they go to lunch, put small amounts of cocaine in their desk, along with brochures of various cities in South America, a list of the high schools in the area where business is booming, and then report the appearance of criminal activities to their bosses. But your most powerful weapon is that you work at accounting and finance. You can manipulate their files where none of them get any taxes deducted from their paychecks, and they probably won’t say anything because of the extra cash their getting. And then on April 15th, send the IRS an anonymous letter with their SSN and suggest an audit. But my most creative idea is that you set up payroll deduction/allotment where $10.00 regularly  comes out of their paychecks, and goes directly to the books of convicted murderer Charles Manson. Then send Mr. Manson some letters with their return addresses, stating they plan on creating a fan club in his honor, and more than likely he’ll contact the media. I am positive that because of the way Americans view politicians, on camera the constant denial of your now infamous co-workers will make them appear that they have something to hide, or are as guilty as sin. And to insure that you aren’t linked to any of your deeds, try to act as surprised as you can if you see them coming down the hall, after they cleaned out their desk and being aggressively walked out of the building by security that’s looking for an opportunity to break in some new nightsticks. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 03/29/2014


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