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Blake’s Advice Column

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Dear Blake,

My girlfriend wants to go camping and I’ve never done it before. I’m debating if I should do it or not. What do you think?

Signed, Winston
From Santa Barbara, California

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Dear Winston,

Camping is a very popular form of R&R on the west coast. It’s also one of the dumbest ideas ever conceived since the dawn of man! If sleeping under the stars was such a good thing, why aren’t homeless people constantly bragging about it? And out in California there have been a number of people being attacked by mountain lions and bears, because these aggressive animals view campgrounds as restaurants, and tents (with people sleeping in them) as sandwich bags keeping their meals fresh. Is it possible that bubble-headed girlfriend of yours has a death wish, and wants to take you with her? Keep in mind that campers who have gotten lost in the wilderness have a history of resorting to cannibalism, so wild animals may not be the only “creature” that will place you on their menu. But if you want to appease that bimbo you’re involved with, then try camping next to a Holiday Inn. That way if she finally realizes her stupidity, you’re walking distance from some civilized comfort, assuming that some time during the night you’re both aren’t run over and killed by a driver that didn’t expect to see a couple of idiots relaxing in a tent that they foolishly pitched in a parking lot. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• December 28, 2014


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