Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

UPDATED DAILY AT 7AM PST – THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY

Blake’s Advice Column

Ask Blake Picture111

Dear Blake,

I’ve heard that a husband and wife’s sleep position is a clear indication of what they feel regarding their relationship. Is that true? If it is, what specifically does each position indicate?

Signed, Felicia
From Harrisburg, Pennsylvania

* * * * * * * *

Dear Felicia,

Yes it’s true that how a person sleeps next to their spouse is a clear indication of hat they really think of them. But reading this info that I am about to give, may want couples to have separate bedrooms. Ok, here are the facts. If a man sleeps with his hand around his wife’s waist, it means he believes he has a firm grip on her, and she’s be an idiot to leave no matter how he mistreats her. If she holds him around the waist, it means she wants him to try harder in his career, because so far she feels he is an embarrassment to her family. If his hand is anywhere near her mouth, it’s because he thinks she talks too much. If her hands are anywhere near his neck, it’s because she wants to strangle him every time he stares at cheerleaders during football games. If they sleep back-to-back, it is a clear indicator that both of them regularly fantasize about how beautiful it would be to outlive the other, rather it’s through death due to natural causes, or suspicious circumstances that can get profiled on NBC’s “Dateline” or CNN’s “Forensic Files”. To keep it real, it’s entirely possible that couples hold each other because they love the closeness, and the intimacy of two bodies feeling like one. However, if they are still doing this spooning nonsense more than a year after the honeymoon, then all of my initial negative assertions are more than likely true. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 08/30/2015


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or