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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I am a very successful lawyer and my career has been flourishing for years. However, my family life is awful!!! I have four adult children, and they all have major issues. Either they are on drugs, have a lengthy criminal records, never even graduated high school, or a combination of the three. Even though I deal primary with civil litigation, I had to learn criminal law just so I can regularly defend some of my kids. My wife and I are sick of this, but what else can I do? I consider myself a very good counselor in law, but now I need some of your expertise… right away!!!

Signed, Bart

From Detroit, Michigan

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Dear Bart,

Successful people often have very turbulent/unhappy personal lives. Because you are an attorney, I would strongly suggest that you start suing everyone who is either directly or indirectly responsible for the birth of your quartet of losers. Try to determine the geographical place where your wife was impregnated with each of your pathetic offspring and slap them with a lawsuit. This would include, hotels, campgrounds, or even the mortgage company that sold you your home. Sue everyone who over the years when your children were very young, complimented them on anything, giving you false hope and the delusion that they would grow up to be respectable productive citizens. Sue every school and the teachers individually for giving any of your kids a passing grade in grammar school that allowed them to go to the next level, when they should’ve detected the signs of their probable adult stupidity and properly warned them. But if I were you, I would sue your wife. Check her genealogy to see if there is a high concentration of imbeciles in her family tree. If there are, and she never informed you, haul her into court. However, if you find out that all the bad seeds are in your genealogy, then you should sue the company that provided you with that information, alleging the facts that they revealed to you has cause you to go into a deep depression, that only large sums of cash can heal. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• December 12, 2015


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