Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

Every time I make New Year’s resolution, I end up breaking 100% of them within the first week. This year I want that to change. Please give me some advice.

Signed, William

From Santa Monica, California

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Dear William,

Everyone struggles with New Year’s resolutions. But if you break all of them within the first week, that strongly suggests to me that you’re more than likely a complete failure in life and it’s emotionally difficult for you to accept that blatantly obvious fact. That being happily said, here are some suggestions for you. Lower your standards to things you can accomplish, like you will not participate in an axe murder, or you’ll go to the bathroom at least once a day. Try this,  start blaming others for the goals you fall short on, but never telling them how you feel so they cannot have the opportunity to easily defend themselves against your idiotic accusations. In conclusion and most importantly, please do not have the mindset that the whole world is against you, because there is a very large number of people that are compassionate and even gravitate towards pathetic losers similar to worthless individuals like yourself. And I hope you have a joyous time bringing in the New Year alone, because I doubt that anyone who knows you will invite you to their party. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 12/26/2015


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or