Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

My boyfriend recently attended my family’s Christmas party. All my relatives were there. He wore old boots, jeans, old red sweatshirt, and an old green vest. He did not even comb his hair. I was a little embarrassed because he is such a handsome guy. What should I do?

Signed, Barbara

From Oakland, California

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Dear Barbara,

Obviously you prefer that his attire matched his physical appeal when he attended the party. Which is kind of strange, because I never heard of any good looking hobos.  But the real reason why he probably dressed like that, is because in his eyes, you’re not very attractive and he wanted to dress down to your comparable physical appeal. The chances are, he rates you from barely average to slightly ugly. And to be consistent, if your relationship continues and you start to let yourself go, don’t be surprised if he greets you wearing rags. People subconsciously dress to impress, which suggests to me that your opinion in his eyes means little to nothing. However there is a positive side to the clothes he decided to wear to the Christmas party, which may prove that he really cares about you. So you should be grateful that he didn’t step out looking “GQ”, because it would’ve only highlighted your glaring physical flaws and reminded your loved ones on how genuinely hideous you are that they’ve tried to ignore. Yep, this may confirm that you have his heart on a string. Love is in the air! I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 12/27/2015


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or