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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I am a very successful real estate developer that recently retired. I moved from New York City, to a small town in Nebraska, and I don’t know anyone, including my next door neighbors. I bought a typical house, and no one here knows anything about me. I know how to nurture business relationships, but regular friendships, I don’t have a clue. Could you give me some tips?

Signed, Alfred

From (a small town in Nebraska)

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Dear Alfred,

I’m assuming you got tired of the rat race and big city life, and have decided live in more peaceful surroundings. Hopefully you can adjust to a new culture in the most boring state in America outside of North and South Dakota. If you want to blend in, learn how to chew tobacco and how to avoid nodding off after to talking neighbors for hours at a time about nothing. Show that you are a gentleman, by always complimenting homely women on how pretty they are. Take pride in your appearance by always wearing clean coveralls to all of their important social functions. But one of the best things about moving to Nebraska, is unlike New York City, it is highly unlikely that you’ll ever be a victim of a hit and run when crossing a street. The reason why, is 90% of the residents drive tractors, thus you’ll always have enough time to get out of the way. But under the remote chance that you ever got hit, you should be able to call the police and give them an accurate description of the driver and vehicle, because farm tractors are so slow and Nebraska is so flat, that you should still be able to see it rolling away for at least five hours. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 01/31/2016


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