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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I really value your advice and hope you can help. My boyfriend of three years broke up with me about one month ago, and am feeling a little sad about Valentine’s Day. I miss him so much! This weekend my friends are all coupled up, probably celebrating with romantic lunches and dinners. I really envy the fact that they have someone special in their lives, and I will spend the day with no one. What do you think I should do?

Signed, Jayne

From Boston, Massachusetts

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Dear Jayne,

I feel bad that you are suffering through a break up that you have to endure during Valentine’s Day. But like the old saying “misery loves company”, so I suggest you start bringing your friends down to your emotional depths, by doing what you can to break up their relationships. Tell all of your female friends that one of your neighbors saw all of their men dancing in a gay bar. Send roses to the women’s homes anonymously, with a note reading “When will I see you again?” Mail some bogus form to all of the men, which reflects that their other half secretly took out a million dollar insurance on them, and later put a bottle of poison near some cooking spices where it will be easily noticed. One of these suggestions should be enough to create enough suspicion for the claws to come from both sides. But the simplest thing for you to do is to call your ex, and tell him that there is something important you need to talk to him about in person. This should give you enough time to go to a local animal shelter, and adopt a couple of pit bulls that were too aggressive for their previous owners. The following days, you should have plenty of time to convince him to give you and him another try, when you visit him in the ICU after your new pets tried to rip him to pieces. If he doesn’t survive, you should probably return the dogs, because it’s counterproductive to have reminders around the house of a lost love. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice ColumnValentine's Day

• February 13, 2016


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