Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I live with my boyfriend, it is a serious relationship and we will be getting married in the next few years. I didn’t want kids before, but now I think I would like to have them sometime after we are married. The problem is that he has said that he never wants to have any, ever! I’m torn and I don’t know what to do. Please help!

Signed, Wendy

From Oakland, California

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Dear Wendy,

Lots of men don’t want any children, so I don’t find that strange. The question you should want answered is, what sinister thing is he hiding that forces him to take that position? Some psychologists believe that traits of career criminals can be passed down to their kids. Thus you should do an extensive background check on him, including a likely long list of aliases. When you visit his parents, get a hold of every picture of him when he was in his youth. He might have looked really weird back then, and he doesn’t want another child to go through the same extensive plastic surgery he went through to finally resemble a human. But, I have a strange feeling that he is not from “here”. I would not be surprised as a child that he went to a top secret elementary school near NASA or Area 51, and he is gradually trying to learn about life and customs on this planet. However to be sure, I suggest you do this.  At night when he’s asleep, use a magnifying glass to examine his ears closely, to determine if they were filed down from once being pointed. You should also watch him at night when he’s staring up at a cloudless sky, to see if he looks sad and homesick. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• February 20, 2016


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or