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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I am an 8th grade teacher, and this year I should fail 100% of my students. Not one of them got a passing grade on any subject. The principal at my school and the Board of Education wants me to pass them all because they feel it will be an embarrassing reflection on management. I on the other hand do not want to do that, and I want to give them all the grade that they earned/deserve. What would you do if you were me?

Signed, Teacher X

From New York City, New York

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Dear Teacher X,

That’s quite a dilemma you’re in, and it appears you are being pressured by your superiors to do something that you conscience opposes. Here is what I would do… mercilessly flunk those idiots. And don’t be surprised if they are too stupid to realize that they are being held back. Show them how unintelligent they are by introducing to them a third grader that has volunteered to tutor them in the evenings. Considering the possible future of your class of morons, suggest to them the best way to panhandle to gain sympathy from strangers that has some loose change. But as a teacher, you must also be compassionate. So, I think you should get a list of all of the homeless shelters in the city, since it’s just a matter of time when that is where most of them will be sleeping nightly. Be honest enough to tell them that based on their current ability, they will all be either a bum or a bag lady. Also tell them to be respectful in public, by always walking downwind from large crowds. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 02/28/2016


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