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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

My husband and I are retired and we are both 82 years old. Summer is starting, and the noise in our neighborhood is getting louder. One of the things my husband and I enjoy during the day is our afternoon nap. The children (home from school) next door are very noisy and disturb our peace. I have talked to the mother of the three boys and three girls, and she is no help. I have respectfully asked her to tell them to tone down the noise, but she told me that they are kids, and they have every right to play so I’d better learn to deal with it. I have no idea what to do at this point. Can you offer some ideas?

Signed, Ellen

From Cleveland, Ohio

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Dear Ellen,

I understand how you and your husband value your quiet time in your twilight years. And to keep that, I would encourage you to wage a merciless war against those insensitive brats. For starters, if you have any great grandchildren, have them come over and beat all of them up. And because it would be improper for boys to punch the girls, hope you’ll have a tomboy-ish great granddaughter that is willing to crack a couple of skulls. Give all the next door neighbor “kids from hell”, copies of “Hansel and Gretel” that tells the story about a witch that wanted to literally cook the two children. And every time you walk pass one of them, let out a loud cackle while sprinkling some seasoning on their heads. But I think the best idea is this one. Buy a very real looking mannequin of a small child. And while they are looking at you from a distance with you and your backyard and they in theirs, let them see you and your husband maniacally chopping it up with hatchets. As they look on in horror, both of you should be inconspicuously splashing fake blood all over the body. The kids will be so traumatized, that not only will they refuse to come outside, they will demand to stay indoors and be home schooled until they graduate form the 12th grade. The next time you’ll see any of those boneheads will be when they are around 18, running from their house to a car, and per their insistence, taking them to a college at least three states away. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 04/30/2016


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