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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I think I finally met the man of my dreams and we have been dating for more than a month. He’s taken me to several restaurants because he loves good food. He told me one of the most appealing qualities a woman can have, is to be able to prepare a home cooked meal. He is coming over to my place for dinner next week. Here’s the problem, I can’t cook because I never learned how. I share an apartment with my sister who is a great cook, and she thinks he’ll dump me due to my lack of kitchen skills. I am worried that he will be so turned off, I’ll lose him. I need some advice… right away!

Signed, Jane

From Harrisburg, Pennsylvania

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Dear Jane,

I admire your desire to want to keep a man that means so much to you. So I would encourage you to use a tool that’s used in all relationships, lying. Here are some ideas. Be in tears when you open your door front for him, and say your stove is broken. Put a couple of onions near your eyes right before you let him in to enhance the illusion. Tell him you want him to taste your latest creation you’ve done with ground beef, which in reality will be nothing more than a  Big Mac that you chopped up. When he comes over, give him a spike cocktail with a few sleeping pills in it, and after he nods off, force feed him a tv dinner. When he wakes up, tell him about the gourmet meal he repeatedly complimented you on, before falling asleep from exhaustion due to his constant chewing and savoring your exquisite cuisine. But the easiest thing to do is to have your sister cook before he arrives, and you take all the credit. Years from now, hopefully you will able to not only laugh this off, you will chuckle at the fact that he eventually kicked you to the curb and married your sister. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 06/26/2016


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