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PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I have a major emotional problem that I have had to deal with my entire life… jealousy. I’m jealous of people even if I love them or like them or respect them. Even when I pretend to be happy when my friends get good news, the truth is, I literally feel sick, caused by envy. For days afterwards I go around feeling queasy and sad, silently thinking why not me? Please tell me what you think I should do?

Signed, Winston

From Helena, Montana

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Dear Winston,

There’s nothing you can do to stop your friends from being successful. Probably the best way to deal with their accomplishments is to rain on their parade by showing them the overlooked downside of their achievements.  Such as, if they finally get their realtors license, ask them are they going to enjoy seeing people put in the streets after their homes gets foreclosed? If a person says how proud they are that one of their children received a full academic scholarship, tell them that suggests their other kids are stupid. If someone you know, runs for an office in local politics and wins, tell them that all elected officials eventually become corrupt, and he or she will be a seasoned crook at the end of their term. On the other hand, in time you might get a promotion where you’re employed, due to your dedication and work ethic. And if someone ever refuses to share your joy and questions your achievement, inform them that no matter how hard they try, they’ll never be as big a hypocrite as you are. Loser. I hope this helps.

Blake

• 07/30/2016


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