Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I was in a hit-and-run car accident recently and I got banged up pretty bad, and the culprit still hasn’t been caught. I’m grateful to be alive, but I can hardly walk because I have multiple fractured ribs. I live with my brother, plus another guy roommate. Here is the issue, they won’t do anything for me. They still insist that I do my share of the chores, and because I do most of the cooking, they expect hot meals nightly, like I did before. When I tell them I am in pain while I’m standing over a stove, they tell me to “man up” and/or “stop whining”. I assumed during my healing period they would be more sensitive. So far, they have not. What do you think I should do?

Signed, Shawn

From Henderson, Nevada

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Dear Shawn,

Sorry to hear that you’re not being catered to in your home as you begin the healing process. Since both of them are indifferent to your condition, you must put them in a position that they can relate to your suffering… which may in turn cause them to be hospitalized. Because you do the majority of the cooking in the house, tell them (after the fact) that the pain medication you take has affected your vision, and you couldn’t tell the difference when you were making spaghetti for them, between rat poison and grated parmesan cheese.  If by chance it kills them, keep the receipt to the rat poison and try to get a refund.  Here’s another idea. Have their cars towed to the raggediest part of town, and then remove the wheels leaving them on four bricks. I assure you some homeless people will be very appreciative of your generosity. You said the person who hit you hasn’t been caught yet. I have an idea who did it. Look for some front end damage on both of your “roommates” vehicles. You can assist the cops in discovering their ruthless motives and expedite a confession, by supplying them with some rubber hoses during the “suspect’s” sleep deprived interrogation. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 08/27/2016


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or