Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I always date the “good guy,” the responsible guy, the guy my friends equate with a huge snoozefest. Recently I met a very attractive man (he was hosting an event that my friends and I were attending), and he asked me to dinner. Our date is next week. He’s been very charming, and I like him.  Upon Googling him, however, I discovered among his many marketing and event-planning entries three mug shots! His last arrest (for “failure to appear”) was a couple of weeks ago. The other charges were (to name just two) disorderly conduct and assault by strangulation. Should I cancel the date knowing what I know? Or give him a chance to explain himself? My friends were unfazed when I told them. They advised me to go out and “live a little.” What do you think I should do?

Signed, Melody

From San Francisco, California

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Dear Melody,

It appears you found some disturbing information about a man that has your interest. Unfortunately, his “rap” sheet has nothing to do with hip-hop music. In regards to his criminal past, the good news is, he’ll probably be in prison so often, that he’ll probably never cheat on you… at least not with a woman. Bonnie Parker was a law abiding citizen, until she met Clyde Barrow. They were deeply in love, even up to the point their bullet riddled bodies were removed from the car they stole. Getting arrested for “disorderly conduct” is vague. It could mean he was drunk, or just doing something as simple as beating someone to a pulp. You also said he was charged with assault by strangulation. They could have easily been a misunderstanding. He might have seen a person choking on some food, and he tried to save their life but was confused on the exact procedure of the Heimlich maneuver. However, if you like him, but you have concerns about your safety, bring a female friend that admires you. This should suppress any hostility he has that could flare up, and even if it does, I have no doubt your friend will undoubtedly say some beautiful things about you… at your funeral. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• October 30, 2016


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or