Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

My best friend has gone off the deep end over a boy she met. She is fourteen and he is fifteen and they are really, really involved. They are planning a great weekend away at his parent’s camp. He is going to steal the key and she is getting a girlfriend to lie and say she is spending the weekend at her house. They found a big kid who drives to take them there and pick them up. It is all she talks about. She used to be such a nice honest girl, but now her and her boyfriend shoplift together, and they often steal things from other student’s lockers. I want to tell her parents what’s going on, but if I did that, she would never speak to me again. What should I do?

Signed, Debra

From Portland, Oregon

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Dear Debra,

It’s obvious you care about your best friend, so I do not recommend you go to her parents because it might damage the relationship that you highly value. I suggest that you go to the cops, so they can tell her parents about “Bonnie and Clyde”. These two misguided losers are a growing menace to society and should be dealt with in the same fashion that pest control deals with roaches. Do not invite her over your house anymore, until you at least three four security cameras in every room, along with everything nailed down. If you confronted her, she’d probably accuse you of being jealous of her boyfriend and/or having an unfair negative view of crooks. But at look at the bright side, and you won’t have to stress too much about their behavior. They can end up like the real Bonnie and Clyde. After a routine traffic stop in 1934, several cops persuaded them to never commit another crime. Also the criminal duet never said anything disrespectful to the police, even the cops shot of their mouths off. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 01/28/2017


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or