Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

My spouse, one of the most caring and genuine people I’ve ever met, has been inviting his elderly homeless mother into our house for meals, and on occasion, to bathe or do laundry. This happens a few times a month, typically during the day. He works from home. I work elsewhere. Recently, we started noticing small household items missing — a toiletry item here or there, some medication, a utensil, etc. We were annoyed, but did not make it an issue because we thought she needed these things but didn’t want to ask. Then I got a call that several of my personal checks had been stolen and were being used fraudulently at nearby businesses. I feel that she should no longer be allowed into the house, but my spouse will not commit to that. He still doubts that she was behind the stolen checks, and feels that even if she was, we should give her another chance. I feel like that’s asking for something worse to happen. Currently, we’re at an impasse, and the resentment on this topic is building. What do I do?

Signed M,

From Dallas, Texas

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Dear M,

Sometimes dealing with in-laws can create very stressful situations that should be dealt with tact and sensitivity. But because your husband’s mother is an out-law, her feelings do not deserve any consideration. So that rickety old crook is ripping you off and your idiot husband is looking the other way? Try to get him to change his mindset toward her. If he has a vehicle that he highly values, regularly put his car keys in plain sight to entice her, and with a little luck, she’ll total it while on a joyride. If she ever takes naps over at your place, as she sleeps, softly whisper his ATM pin number to her over and over, until she feels compelled through “a dream” to rob him blind. But if he’s the typical guy, here’s the best way to get him to be objective regarding “light fingers granny”. Assuming you have at least a 55 inch wide screen tv there, let it come up missing when he’s on his way home from work, as he is anticipating a sporting event he’s excited about watching. I assure you, not only will he disown her, he will be eager to tell the district attorney that he’ll testify against her during her trial, and he just might encourage the D.A. to seek the death penalty. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 02/25/2017


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or