Blake’s Advice Column
My dad says you are the tops in the psychiatric help business, so I really hope that you can help me. My neighbor is a really good friend of mine, but he keeps getting later and later every time I pick him up. I’m afraid he will do some serious damage if I speak to him. Please help!
From, Moseley, Virginia
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I feel your frustration, considering the fact that you are doing him a favor. But there are ways to deal with selfish morons like him, that hopefully won’t land you in jail. I don’t know how old you are, so I don’t know if you’re picking him up on a bike or driving a car, so I’ll deal with both. If you are picking him up and driving to school, leaving him won’t help, because I’m under the impression he’s so stupid, missing classes will have no affect on this future homeless dropout. If you are giving him a ride to his job, his pathetic “me first” attitude is more than likely well known by his co-workers, and his boss is probably looking for a reason to fire him and anyone else that also has a double-digit I.Q. If you are a grammar school student and you give him a ride on your bike, trade it in for a unicycle, making it impossible for you give him a ride. If he insists that he should ride it instead of you, teach him how, after you secretly grease the pedals. And if he is a school bully, as you indirectly implied when you said “he will do some serious damage” if you confront him on this issue, I have a well proven scientific suggestion for you. Assuming he rides on the handlebars of your bike, take him to a cliff at one of the mountains in Virginia, approaching the edge at your top speed. At the last minute, slam on the brakes and he’ll be “ejected” from the handles bars while waving his hands and screaming as he disappears into a dense forest far below, hopefully never to be seen again. However, if there are witnesses and you go to trial, with a good defense lawyer, he can pin the murder on two other suspects, centrifugal force and gravity. I hope this helps.