Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

UPDATED DAILY AT 7AM PST – THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I am about to graduate from high school, and that day can’t come fast enough for me. The day after I graduate, my family and I are moving to the east coast. I am the valedictorian, and I am also a geeky kid that has been bullied for four years by several people into doing their homework and helping them pass classes by cheating on their final exams. Even though they want me to assist them one last time, I’d rather not. Please give me some instructions.

Signed, Alex

From Tacoma, Washington

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Dear Alex,

I feel terrible that you were mistreated during your time in high school. But now is not the time for you to feel sorry for yourself. Now is the time for you to plot to get even with those boneheads! Here some ideas. Write some letters to their parents, telling them that you have been helping their kids, based on the belief that their offspring is under the impression that they are genetically inferior, because they believe both of their parents are raving buffoons. Or, tell the parents that their child can’t study at home due to the constant arguments over a recent DNA test, that proves to them the man their children thought was their father, isn’t. Contact the FBI and tell them that all of the bullies regularly hurl terrorist threats at you, and that you have often seem them do Google searches on how to join ISIS. However if you just want to help these losers on their tests and finally be rid of them, then do that. Except during the final exams, give them all wrong answers. Don’t worry, they won’t be mad at you forever, because they’ll have plenty of time for their anger to subside while those idiots are repeating their senior year. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 04/01/2017


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or