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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

My wife and I have been married for nearly two decades. For the past 2 or 3 years, we would get together with five couples once a month and have a blast!!! There are countless memorable experiences that I will never forget. Fast forward to today, my wife and I are about to get a divorce. No doubt the couples are gonna take sides. Being with them was often the highlight of my month. We’re going to tell them at our next gathering that we’re splitting up. I don’t want to lose those friends, and I’m not sure what to say or do. Please advise.

Signed, Jack

From Twin Falls, Idaho

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Dear Jack,

Sorry to hear about the dissolution of your marriage. But since divorce is a “civil” war, you must prepare to go to battle against your future ex-wife… and taking no prisoners. If you value the relationships you have with the couples, go to them ASAP and lie through your teeth. Tell their wives that your wife was under the impression that they buy their make-up at Ringling Brothers, and she wonders why they don’t add the rubber nose and wear the extra long shoes. As far as their perfume is concerned, tell them that your soon to be “ex” has repeatedly said that they often smell like a 1920’s flapper, trying to get the attention from men in a speakeasy. Tell the husbands that your current wife genuinely believes that the only reason they are employed, is because of a federal law that has mandated their employers to fill an idiot quota. If you can get them to turn against her, it’ll be even better if you have kids. This way you can have your friends so angry with her, that they’ll lie on your behalf in court so you can gain custody of your children. And after the dust settles, and you start your life over, you can acquire some new friends, and avoid those loser couples that are too stupid to realize that they’ve been manipulated. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 04/09/2017


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