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PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I have a friend who will hand a gift back to me immediately after unwrapping it if she does not like it/has no use for it. She has implied I should get her something more to her liking/useful. She has done this to others. Am I wrong to be offended? I have tried to be considerate in selecting a gift, but obviously I am missing the mark. What’s the proper response?

Signed, Charlotte

From Jefferson City, Missouri

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Dear Charlotte,

Many people are extremely difficult to shop for because they have very specific likes and dislikes. If you want to give that ingrate something she needs, how about a couple of backhands, followed by a haymaker. She’s done this to other people too? Then all the people that she offended, should take her to the deepest part the nearest lake and toss her in it. And while she’s treading water fighting for her life, throw her an expired gift certificate for life preserver. On her birthday, you can give her a special present at her front door that you personally created… after you’ve read the biography of the Unabomber. But if you want to keep it simple, the safest thing to do is give cash. She should be happy with that, because she’ll get a chance to get some gifts from her new friends in a federal prison, after you give her a stack of high quality counterfeit bills. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 04/15/2017


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