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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

My fiancé and I are moving to a new apartment in L.A. right after our wedding (in Wisconsin), and we’re thinking of not registering for gifts. We don’t want a lot of useless things we don’t need! Instead, we’d like to just set up an anonymous donation account where guests can give money. We have no idea who can afford what. Good idea or bad idea?

Signed, Josh

From Madison, Wisconsin

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Dear Josh,

I like the idea of eliminating gifts that you don’t want or need. But I don’t like the anonymous aspect of your plan because you won’t be able to determine who the cheapskates are. So tell everyone to give you and your bride cash at you reception, and you’ll later post their names and the amounts on Facebook. For people that you invited that say they are struggling financially, put a for sale sign on their car after you steal the title, and that should bring in a few bucks. If any of your guests have teenage kids, give those delinquents job applications so they can get temporary employment, and suggest that the real young kids be sent to sweat shops that have not been raided by the Department of Labor. And finally, here’s the easiest way to get a very large “donation” from notoriously cheap friends or family. Go to their place, “stage” a “slip and fall”, and pretend to be in excruciating pain. And while you’re grimacing on the ground, whisper to them during your phony agony, that if they don’t want to use their homeowner’s insurance, you’ll sue their pants off. Even though they will probably never speak to you again, before the day is over, check your bank account and you’ll likely see a dramatic increase your balance. That should help you heal from the loss of a relationship from those penny-pinching misers. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 04/16/2017


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