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PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I’ve loved some of the worst men out there that have used me for anything they could get. But now I’ve found someone who is wonderful, handsome, smart as can be, talented, caring, and thoughtful. However, I don’t see us having a future. I feel no heat for him like I did with my former lovers. I feel a coldness inside myself. Have all my failed relationships killed my passion?

Signed, Donna

From New York City, New York

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Dear Donna,

Sorry to hear about your string of bad relationships. Unfortunately, in the Big Apple, 90% of the men there are either corrupt politicians, inner city gang members, or in the Mafia. You must also look at the real possibility that your level of discernment suggests to me that you are more than likely pretty stupid. If you regularly cruise prisons, hoping you’ll meet a nice guy who just escaped, that is probably not the best way to begin a relationship, even though you two will spend a lot of time travelling, and cuddling while watching the news for updates. Or maybe you find it appealing to date a Hell’s Angel, and you love the sensation of the wind blowing through your hair while riding on a motorcycle driven by a cocaine addict that has a lice-filled beard. Or, you might have been involved with some guys that don’t want to work, because it cuts into their drinking time, and shortly thereafter, they begin talking to their imaginary friends. I would strongly recommend you keep the man that you currently have, because I am under the impression that he adores you. That kind of guy will put you on a pedestal and treat you like a queen… until he kicks you to the curb after he finds out about the poor judgment of your sleazy past. I hope this helps.

Blake

• 04/30/2017


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