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A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Life through Blake’s eyes…

Ferrets have become very popular pets in America, and I told my neighbor’s six year old son that I would get him one for his birthday. Yesterday when I took him to purchase the small rodent and I saw how much they cost, I lied and told him that ferrets are actually guinea pigs that were brutally stretched by the employees at the pet store. He began to cry uncontrollably, so to shut him up, I said he could have a puppy. The only dog that appealed to him was a Dachshund, which was even more expensive than the ferret. So I told him the employees did the same thing to the puppy as they did to the ferret. Anyway, a couple of hours later, I finally stopped him from crying by buying him a teddy bear that he really liked. I was tempted to tell him on the way home that the teddy bear was actually a baby cub that was killed and stuffed, but I felt that was crossing a line.

Life through Blake's eyes

• April 29, 2017


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