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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

Let me preface this question by swearing I’m not a pompous woman in the least. That said, here are the facts: I’m extremely beautiful. I’m not perfect, but my looks have a ridiculous effect on men. My problem is that I’m not being taken seriously in the workplace. I just began my career as a CPA, which is still a male-dominated field. I dress fashionably for the office, but not like a trollop. I go above and beyond with my workload. And yet my male superiors and peers spend their time trying to flirt with me, instead of treating me like a capable human who can do her job. I always try to remain professional, but this is driving me crazy. I heard you can sometimes give some extreme solutions. I assure you I am finally open to those. Please help!

Signed, Glenda

From Los Angeles, California

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Dear Glenda,

No woman should be made uncomfortable every day in the work place. So what you need to do is make yourself invaluable to your company, while at the same time having those potential predators control their hormones. You can do this by creating a problem in the company that can’t be linked to you, while at the same time making sure that you’re the only one that can resolve it… and then take the next day off. When work comes to a standstill and they call you at home, after you come in and fix it, you’ll improperly be construed as the company hero. But when you come in, make sure you look terrible. Not only should you not be wearing make-up, since you live near Hollywood, find a sci-fi make-up artist that can have you looking ghastly. This will let those guys know what you look like the first thing in the morning without Mary Kay. Your terrifying appearance will probably not only reduce their sex drive when they’re near you, some of them may be so traumatized, that they might start being attracted to men. But for the ones that is has zero effect on, try this. Go online or to some novelty store that can print bogus newspaper articles that look real. Have them print out a few articles about you dating co-workers from different jobs in the past, that were brutally murdered and later dismembered, and the police still consider you a suspect. Then anonymously send them to every male that continues to flirt with you… and then invite them to your place. Be sure to emphasize that you’re a very private person, and they have to promise not to tell a soul about the “secret date”. When you do this, please use your cell phone to record their reaction, because it’s always hilarious to me when I see a grown man’s hair stand on end. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 05/13/2017


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