BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – James Comey, the former FBI director who was fired by President Trump, sent a farewell memo to his colleagues. Below is the first draft before the revisions:
To all: I have long believed that a President can fire an FBI Director for any reason, or for no reason at all. I’m not going to spend time on the decision or the way it was executed. I hope you won’t either. It is done, and I will be fine, although I will miss you and the mission deeply.
I have said to you before that, in times of turbulence, the American people should see the FBI as a rock of competence, honesty, and independence. What makes leaving the FBI hard is the nature and quality of its people, who together make it that rock for America.
I sent a separate letter to Hillary Clinton, explaining that I genuinely hope my decision last November didn’t cost her the election, but I am still awfully glad she lost. And I hope she takes the suggestions of several FBI agents who interviewed her in regards to her private server, that she gets out of politics and joins a circus.
I also sent a brief letter to Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid, respectfully requesting that all three of them drop dead.
My plans for the future? In the fall I will be on the starting line up of any NBA team of my choosing. I have enough dirt on team owners and coaches, that I’ll be able to play anywhere I want. More than likely I’ll be averaging at least 50 points a game because I have plenty of embarrassing info on opposing players and referees, that can destroy marriages and have angry pregnant mistresses prosecuted for blackmail.
Working with you has been one of the great joys of my life. And I’ll always cherish the opportunity you gave me to put under surveillance, so many closet freaks.