Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I am a wealthy man, and I own several very successful companies. My wife is a stay at home mom. I don’t have any biological children, but she has three sons (all teenagers) from a previous marriage, and her kids are the problem. On Father’s Day they always give me a gift of something they know I don’t need, or an offensive gag gift. And to put it mildly, I’m tired of it. They have been under the assumption, that they can be as disrespectful to me as they want because I am married to their mother and they can get away with it. Unfortunately so far, that’s been true. This Father’s Day when they pull one of their stunts, I’m gonna take a stand. What do you think?

Signed, Elvin

From Dallas, Texas

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Dear Elvin,

Some stepchildren never really adjust to having a new dad. That also means you have to adjust to interacting with those worthless losers either. It’s time to declare war, and your weapon is the purse strings. Tell them that effectively immediately, if they want new clothes, they have to use their own money. If they get jobs to do that, charge them rent that swallows up their entire salary. Inform those spoiled buffoons, that when they graduate high school, you are not giving them a penny toward college. And if they still want a higher education, they can either go into debt paying off student loans for the next 30 years, or get a bogus online degree from Kenya. They like giving you gag gifts? In front of their friends, let them know that if they get really good grades, you will buy them a new car. When they meet the standards you set forth, in front of their friends, hand them a Hot Wheels car and tell them to drive carefully. And finally, anytime you and the family go on a vacation in the U.S., you and your wife should stay at a five star hotel, but tell those three stooges if they want to come along, they have to stay in a homeless shelter near the hotel. Be sure and let your wife know if she objects to the travel arrangements, that most homeless shelters also have a wing for women. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 06/18/2017


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or