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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

My in-laws live in an apartment above our garage. It wasn’t my idea. It was a compromise with my husband. They now want to move Grandma into a trailer in our backyard! I am totally against it, and have voiced my opinion loudly. My husband is stressed out and isn’t capable of saying no to his parents. I have a feeling they are going to move forward with this plan regardless of my objections. I feel completely disrespected in my own home. Any advice?

Signed, Jenna

From Jackson, Mississippi

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Dear Jenna,

I’m sorry that you feel your hands are tied while your space is being invaded. The only thing I can suggest to do, is to make them so uncomfortable, that they would rather be homeless than live on the same property with you. If Grandma moves in, put a fence around the trailer, and then place a pit bull in the enclosure that you rarely feed. I assure you, she won’t come out for months at a time. Or, once a week while she’s sleeping, have the trailer towed over some rough roads where she’ll get tossed around like a rag doll, and then convince her she was having a bad dream, as you give her a sarcastic “wink”. In dealing with your in-laws living above your garage, turn on your car alarm every morning at 2 a.m. while they are sleeping. While snickering, tell them you’ve taken it to several mechanics, and they were unable to diagnose the problem. But the best way to be rid of them, is to have someone rig the garage door to the top of the ceiling/their floor. Then when the garage door closes, it’ll peel back the floor and your in-laws will fall to the ground, probably sustaining some serious injuries. While they are laying there screaming for medical attention, tell them that structural damaged was caused by an earthquake prompted by some activity at the San Andreas Fault. If they went to school in Mississippi, they probably won’t be smart enough to challenge your explanation. I hope this helps.

Blake

• 08/05/2017


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