Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

A year ago I met the untouchable Ice Prince Charming and somehow managed to snatch him up a few months ago. But now that he has “defrosted” and we’re starting to settle into a relationship, I’m realizing that my “prince” is a bit too charming. This may sound nuts, but I’m getting sick from all the sugary sweet affection all the time, and I can’t get him to answer anything for himself. It’s always, “It doesn’t matter, as long as I’m with you. It doesn’t matter, you’re better/your opinion is better. You’re so great, amazing, cute, etc. Love you, our kids will be so cute, I wanna marry you, etc.” We used to have intellectual arguments, dumb competitions, talk all night about fun things we wanted to do one day or just sit around and snark at each other when we weren’t going at our sometimes separate hobbies. I know all every girl wants is her boyfriend to be sweet, so why does it bother me?

Signed, Selma

From, Dayton, Ohio

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Dear Selma,

I am happy that you have a man that obviously adores you. But too much sugar can make your teeth rot. The only way to stop his perpetual irritating terms of endearment, is with outright viciousness. Tell him that the sound of his voice makes your flesh crawl, and you’d rather walk a marathon barefoot on broken glass,  than listen to him talk. Say something to him so hurtful, that it will reduce him to tears in front of his buddies while their watching a football game, and then let loose a very maniacal laugh. Tell him you were happier in a previous relationship with an ex-con boyfriend, that you hid for months while the local police and feds were looking for him. My best recommendation is this, assuming you want to drive him crazy. Literally go with him everywhere, staying within inches of him at all times, until you emotionally suffocate him. This especially includes his trips to the bathroom where you should get even closer to him. It’ll be just a matter of time before he’ll say to you, “honey I love you, but there’s only room for one of us on this toilet”. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 09/10/2017


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or