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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I’m an 11-year-old girl. I just started middle school (sixth grade). The girls in my class have been together since pre-K. Although I’m new to the school, I knew two of the girls from before. They are very nice and have accepted me. The problem is that they are the “leaders” of two separate groups. During my lunch/recess they each want me to sit with them. How do I do this without hurting any feelings?

Signed, Melissa

From Chicago, Illinois

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Dear Melissa,

I think it’s great that two different girls think you are really nice, and want you to sit with them. But choosing one girl over the other can easily get your hair yanked out, by which ever one of them feels slighted. The first thing you should do, is to check and make sure all the security cameras in around the school are working, so the police can identify the set of girls that will eventually beat you up. Or you can tell the principal your dilemma, hoping that he/she does nothing. That insures you will have a compelling lawsuit against the school, assuming you survive the upcoming series of assaults. You should also consider to start acting so creepy that neither group wants you near them, and you can accomplish this by starting rumors that you recently joined a cult that believes in human sacrifices, preferably female six graders. But the best way to avoid both of them, is to start you own gang. Contact the biggest meanest looking misfits in your classroom, and tell those young ladies they should unite with you for their own protection. And, if you consider yourself a real girly girl, buy yourself some pink or light blue brass knuckles, because there is no reason why you shouldn’t try to look feminine when you knock someone’s teeth out. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 10/14/2017


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