Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I have been married for 49 years. When we retired, we moved to Florida. Ron is 71 and healthy. He rides his bike 30 to 50 miles every day. He also mows the lawn and takes care of all the gardening. The problem is, after all that activity in the heat and humidity, he doesn’t bother to shower. He’ll just change his clothes into whatever he wears for the nighttime. I have spoken to him about it, but I can’t seem to get through. My three sons, ages 47, 43 and 42, don’t want to speak to him about it because they don’t live with us. For them, it’s only a temporary problem. I’m at my wits’ end. I am sensitive to odors, and it has gotten to the point that I want to move out. Please, can you give me some ideas on what to do? The air fresheners are not enough!!!

Signed, Darlene

From Miami, Florida

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Dear Darlene,

I understand your frustration regarding your husband not taking hygiene as serious as you want him to. And I don’t think you should be constantly subjected to the type of fumes that were used to execute condemned inmates on death row in the gas chamber. Here are a few ideas. If he can take a hint, see if you can find an animal trainer that will teach a skunk to pass out when your husband walks pass one of the little rodents. Or, anytime you have guests over when he hasn’t bathed, encouraged them to look on the bottom of their shoes, trying to figure out what they stepped in, whenever he comes near them. You can be more direct. Tell your stankin’ spouse that before he enters the home, he must remain on his bike from beginning to end at a drive-thru car wash, including the hot wax that could seal in his stench. But, there is way you can profit from the “aroma” your husband emits. Since you live in Miami where there are plenty of beaches, see if the city will pay him to wade in the water offshore. Sharks have a very strong sense of smell, and his presence can reduce, if not eliminate shark attacks. On the other hand, if he smells as bad as you suggest, PETA might have objections if some sharks take one whiff of your better half, and the next thing you know, they are floating on top of the water, breathing their last. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 10/22/2017


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or