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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I am a man who owns a large four-bedroom home, and I have two tenants. One pays the rent on time, helps with cleaning and yard work, and is an all-around great roommate. The other has been here for four months, has never paid his rent on time and always disappears when do yard work. The major problem I have with this guy is he sleepwalks — at least he claims he does. He opens doors at night. Some mornings I have found the front door or garage door wide open. Additionally, he raids the refrigerator late at night. He claims he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. It’s really annoying to find food I prepared the night before to take to work has been eaten. I have spoken to him about it on numerous occasions, and he claims that he can’t control his sleepwalking. I feel he should have told me about his issues prior to signing the lease. None of the references he gave mentioned his sleepwalking. I’m lost, what should I do?

Signed, Alex

From Dayton, Ohio

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Dear Alex,

Sleepwalking, also known as somnambulism or noctambulism, is a phenomenon of combined sleep and wakefulness, and is quite common. However, if he is faking it, you should turn his sleepwalking “act” into a living nightmare! If he likes to raid the refrigerator at night, then try this. Remove all of the edibles and replace them with open cans of dog food. If he eats it anyway, then he is telling the truth about his affliction. After that, it would also be a good idea before he goes to sleep, to put a leash on him, and later consider having him chipped. You can also try putting some hot coals around his bed. If he screams in pain when he begins his late night stroll, then he has been faking it. If he’s been for real, when he wakes up in the morning, he’ll have no idea how his feet got barbecued. But, if you have a good sense of humor and you want to do something memorable, consider doing this. The next time he sleepwalks, put him on a Greyhound Bus that will drop him off in the southside of Chicago. Through his subconscious, once he realizes where he is, he will go from “sleepwalking” to “sleeprunning”. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 11/25/2017


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