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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

My husband and I disagree about how to handle taking our children shopping with us. I believe that, especially while our children are small (they are 3 and 5), the adult with them should keep them in sight at all times, or at least the majority of the time. If a child moves out of eyesight, the adult should find them in a minute. My husband on the other hand will let them wander off, with the belief, they’ll shortly come back to him. What do you think?

Signed, Paulette

From Maui, Hawaii

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Dear Paulette,

Taking children shopping can be quite an adventure, especially if you have kids that like to explore. But your husband’s perspective of letting them temporarily go their own way, reinforces my belief that some people should not be allowed to breed. So, here are some of my ideas. Buy some electronic wristbands worn by your husband and kids, that will give him about 50,000 volts if the kids are more than 15 feet away. He’ll change his attitude when he realizes that his kidneys are gradually being fried. Let your kids wander off, and have one of your relatives pick them up and hide them for a few days. Then convince your husband that the children were kidnapped and a ransom is being demanded. Tell him to borrow money from all of his relatives, and then you use the money he acquired, to hire an aggressive divorce lawyer. But if you simply want to encourage your kids not to causally stroll away from the watchful eye of their parents, try this. Because you live on an island, tell them some bad people will try to grab them while walking through stores, and later feed them to the sharks. To further the illusion, get your husband drunk near the ocean’s shore, and get him to go out for a swim, after first punching him in the nose to get him bloody. I promise you, after your kids see what the sharks do to your “former” husband, you’ll easily be able to get them to stay close to you when you shop… by repeatedly playing the theme to “Jaws” on the way to the mall. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 12/31/2017


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