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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I am a mother with five grown children and all of them are underachievers. When contemporaries talk about their children getting jobs, getting married, having kids, going on vacation, buying a house/car, adopting a pet, I have nothing to contribute. They either never work, or rarely work getting temporary jobs and scrape by. Worse, they have no ambition to do better. They no longer live with me, but often gather at each other’s places to play video games when they are not working which almost all the time. They are not enjoyable to be around. My life is otherwise good, and I don’t want them bringing me down. My marriage is solid, I work hard, we travel a few times a year and enjoy dining out and meeting with friends. We go to sporting events, live plays, concerts, movies, etc. What is a mother to do?

Signed, Millie

From South Bend, Indiana

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Dear Millie,

There is nothing you need to do. And you should not feel guilty because you are 50% responsible for creating those deadbeats. But to deal with any awkward emotions, here are some suggestions. If your contemporaries are constantly bragging about their kids, do a extensive background check on their offspring. Find something so embarrassing about them and make it public. Their parents will feel so humiliated, that they will allege there was a mix up in the nursery, and the child they thought was there’s, might not be. You can actually brag about how close your children are as adults, even though their regular meetings consist of playing video games, and discussing the level of government assistance they’re living on. You can also take pride in knowing like lottery winners, you have statistically beaten the odds of having five kids, and all of them being losers. But there is a bright spot in regards to the future. If there is a nuclear war sometime down the road, with cities across the nation being destroyed, many people would be saved, based on the advice of your lazy worthless kids on the best way to survive living on the streets. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 01/13/2018


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