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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I have a problem saying “no”. I live 45 minutes from work, and because I’m a friendly person, people constantly ask me to give them rides. Today, two co-workers who live nowhere near me asked for rides home. (I already give one a lift to work.) Another asked me to take him to the grocery store. I like being helpful, but this happens all the time and it’s too much. I was raised with a strong sense of moral obligation and good manners, but I’m tired of being everyone’s chauffeur. I feel guilty for even thinking this. What do I do?

Signed, Amber

San Diego, California

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Dear Amber,

I understand your frustration of being “appointed” as a shuttle service. But there are certain things you can do that will stop those parasites from thinking of you as the free version of Uber. Here’s a few ideas. Don’t use your car for a few days, and come to work riding a bike. If any of those losers, say they still want a ride, and they’ll sit on the handlebars, the following day come to work on a unicycle. Tell them you won’t be using your cars for a while, because you want to live close to your job, so on weekdays you’ll be staying at a nearby homeless shelter Monday thru Friday. When you do start driving again, tell them you won’t let them ride with you because you now have lice. Tell all of those sponges, that you were diagnosed with some intense gastronomical issues. And to further enhance the deception, always have empty wrappers of Rolaids in your car, and hide an open bag of fertilizer in your trunk. Finally for your consideration, to prevent any co-workers from asking you for a ride, keep a bottle of whiskey in your car, that’s actually filled with tea. When they get in, let them see you down the whole thing before you start the engine, and then start talking with slurred speech to some of your “invisible friends”. And when you get stopped by the police after they promptly exit the vehicle and contact 911, warning them of your DUI, you can have them arrested for making a prank call. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 01/27/2018


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