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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I have a close friend with whom I often travel and attend events. She’s a lovely person, but she has the odd habit of singing in public — in gift shops, restaurants, or any public place where music is playing (and sometimes even when it’s not). I can’t have the radio on in the car without her singing along. She has an ok voice, but her style is a bit operatic. How can I gently tell her that her spontaneous performances are inappropriate and excessive?

Signed, Jane

From Atlanta, Georgia

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Dear Jane,

You sound understandably irritated even though she is your close friend. I initially considered to punch her in the face every time she starts one of her “concerts”, but  because you might injure your own fist, I came up with some other ideas. When she starts singing, join her. But be off key that is so cringe worthy, rather than listening to you, your friend would prefer to hear fingernails on a chalkboard, while being waterboarded on a bed of nails. Or how about this?  When she starts a tune, immediately begin pulling out the clumps of your hair. If that doesn’t work, start pulling out hers too. When she starts her vocal torture, get her mind off of music, and start fabricating some disturbing fantasies and relay them to her. Say something like, you often dream about being an NFL punter, and kicking puppies 50 yards for a field goal. Or you wish you could pour a large container of molten lead on Girl Scouts for selling overpriced cookies. But public humiliation is probably the best way to go to end her annoying habit. So consider this option. Try to get her to go on “America’s Got Talent”. Simon Cowell will undoubtedly humiliate her to the point that not only will she refuse to sing around anyone again, she’ll be so depressed that she might have her vocal cords removed… after moving out of the country. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• March 10, 2018


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