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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I am 87 years old and I no longer drive. My children drive me around but I have to pay them to do it. I pay them to take me to appointments, grocery, etc. This doesn’t seem fair to me because of the amount of times I drove them around when they were growing up. What’s your opinion?

Signed, Ethel

From Virginia Beach, Virginia

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Dear Ethel,

As we get older, unfortunately at times we depend on others to help us with tasks. But because your children are financially benefiting from your dilemma, I feel it’s perfectly acceptable for you to employ tactics that will compel those selfish misers to do whatever you want them to. Ok, consider some of these ideas. Tell your children that you will be inheriting a very large some of money in the near future, you will be updating your will soon, and any changes will be made based on how charitable they are. Or, you can try to garnish sympathy, and allege that you only have a few months to live. After that time expires, tell them that you are now taking some experimental drugs that aren’t approved by the FDA, thus you can still drop dead any day. How about this? Inform your kids that you are tired of burdening them plus you hardly have any money, so you just bought a gun, and you now plan to carjack your way around town. Unless they want to see you rotting in prison, they should be eager to take you wherever and whenever you want. But I think the best thing you can do with the greatest benefits is this. Fill a sandwich bag with flour and place it in your purse. Every time one of your children picks you up, convince them you are in a rush so they will drive faster than normal. Hopefully they’ll be driving fast enough that a cop pulls them over. When you see the flashing lights from the police car, whip out the bag of flour and tell your child that it’s cocaine. Tell them you are going to tell the officer that it’s your son’s or daughter’s (whoever is driving), and you were told to take it to a crack house, even though you have no idea what’s in the bag. And then hand your child the car title (which you previously obtained), and explain that they have about one minute to sign it over to you… before they get handcuffed. Soon after that, you’ll have your own car, that you can rent out to at least one of your greedy gullible idiotic offspring. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• March 11, 2018


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