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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I am getting married soon. How do I gracefully ask a bridesmaid to step down? She has been extremely unhelpful and missed all the events in the planning of my wedding. The problem is, she has already bought her dress. What do I do in a situation like this?

Signed, Blanch

From Madison, Wisconsin

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Dear Blanch,

I am discouraging you from abruptly kicking her out, because that might be very hurtful. But I am encouraging you to take some steps to insure that she never shows up. Here are some options. Tell her the wedding location has been changed from Madison, to Chicago. By the time she arrives in the Windy City and realizes she has been duped, her anger toward you will be short lived, and she’ll be focusing on how to get out of there without getting carjacked. Or, on your wedding day, you can tell her that you just joined a new religion, and all the bridesmaids must swear their allegiance to some bogus God (that you’ll create), along with a list of their family members that they want as some of the human sacrifices during your wedding vows. Here’s another one that might work. How about telling her an hour before she is suppose to arrive, that you just saw on news that North Korea is going to launch some nuclear missiles in the next thirty minutes? Hopefully she’ll immediately go to the nearest grocery store, and doesn’t notice why no one else is panicking, stocking up on food and water. But the simplest solution is probably this. Tell her you want her to greet all the guests and to seat them according to their age, weight, and level of beauty. Make sure everyone knows exactly what she’s doing, so she’ll be the one that will get repeatedly backhanded when people feel insulted by where they are placed. You should also text everyone except her, informing them to arrive at the ceremony wearing formal attire, and brass knuckles. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 03/25/2018


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