Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I am a funeral director by trade, but a couple of years ago one of my good friends asked me to officiate at his wedding. I was happy to do it, and I have since been asked by several other friends to perform their wedding ceremonies, too. I did three last year and have two scheduled for this year. My question is: Am I required to give the couple a gift? I’d like to do what is appropriate.

Signed, William

From Wilmington, Delaware

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Dear William,

No one has ever asked me that question. But because you work at a funeral home, you should give a gift from there, and freak out those cheapskates for not paying you for services rendered. Ok, here are some suggestions. Give them a shovel that a gravedigger uses, to symbolize how far into debt they will dig themselves in the first few years of their marriage. Or, make them a king size by connecting four caskets together. If they don’t want to have children, this is the perfect gift that will reduce their desire for intimacy when they go to bed at night, especially when it’s gloomy outside on a stormy night, with the constant sound of some creepy wind. Try this for a gift. Give them some sun tan oil if one of them says they burn easily, and it should be rubbed all over which ever one them dies first, right before they are cremated. But probably the most memorable thing you can give, is a gift certificate to have the first one of them that dies, embalmed with helium. This way during their funeral, it will appear the deceased is floating up to heaven. Just make sure that you don’t tell anyone beforehand, or someone with a sense of humor might show up with a BB gun. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 03/31/2018


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or