Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

Is there a polite way to refuse giving store clerks personal information? It seems like every time I shop, the clerks demand email, phone number, and even sometimes my birthdate and SSN, and they get testy when I say I just want to complete my purchase. I find it so intrusive that I’m tempted to leave the items on the counter and walk out. Please advise.

Signed, Curtis

From Little Rock, Arkansas

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Dear Curtis,

There is a countless number of people with the same mindset, that are equally uncomfortable giving personal info to a clerk after making a simple purchase. The only thing I can think of, is for you to make the clerk more uncomfortable than you are. When they ask for your name, give them one that’s bogus. For example, tell them that your name is Iron Man. And when the clerk appears to not believe you, tell them that you don’t appreciate your honesty being questioned, and then storm out of the store with your items, without paying for them. Or, every time they ask you a personal question, you ask them one. If they ask for your phone number, ask them if their parents has always been faithful to each other. If the clerk answers, make the next question even more personal. This might also work. Pretend you are deaf, and answer them in made up hand signs, while repeatedly using the one that suggests that the clerk is crazy. But the best way to stop them in their tracks, is by telling them that you’re in the Mafia, and knowing too much about you can cost them their life. And to enhance the illusion, take a picture of them with your cell phone, and tell them that they will be the subject in a discussion you’ll be having with some of your “business associates” later that day at an Italian restaurant. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 04/01/2018


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or