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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

At an amusement park recently, I was unable to win the woman I’m dating the oversized stuffed giraffe she desired. I tried valiantly, but winning wasn’t in the cards for me. She forgave me, but I’m afraid she harbors more resentment than she lets on. Since then her behavior has been peculiar. She emails me pictures of giraffes, stretches her neck to frightening lengths, and got a giraffe tattoo that extends from her wrist to her shoulder. I know the ability to win a stuffed animal for a lover is a potent measure of a man’s worth. My failure has left my masculinity sagging. Is there anything I can do to reaffirm my manhood and salvage my relationship?

Signed, Franklin

From Chicago, Illinois

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Dear Franklin,

I think it’s awful that your ego is currently taking a beating. I’m also wondering if the lady you’re dating is a Hindu, and she believed that the giraffe was one of her dead relatives that she wanted to take home. Anyway, you didn’t mention what game you were playing that you couldn’t win. If it was a shooting gallery, I don’t blame her for being upset. Living in crime ridden Chicago, if you don’t know how to use a gun efficiently, you risk getting robbed and assaulted on an hourly basis. If she continues to stretch her neck, tell her there’s a way to do it more efficiently, and then mail her a noose. Considering how you felt regarding her weird reaction to you not winning the prize she wanted, I think you two deserve each other. The questionable intelligence of both of you, suggests to me that you will live happily ever after… in a relationship made in special ed. But there is one simple way to resolve this. Go out and buy her a large stuffed giraffe, and also place a special gift inside the plush toy. What should it be? Here’s a suggestion. Do some research, and find out what were some of the items that were regularly on the shopping list of the Unabomber. I hope this helps

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• April 15, 2018


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