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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I can’t drive. It’s not because I don’t want to, but whenever I sit behind the wheel, I have panic attacks. I’m currently attending therapy for it, and progress is being made, albeit slowly. The problem is, when I try to explain that I suffer from GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), which affects my ability to learn to drive. How do I handle this?

Signed, Galena

From Woonsocket, Rhode Island

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Dear Galena,

I’m sorry to hear you are struggling emotionally to sit behind the wheel. What you need to do, is to leave that tiny town in Rhode Island and learn to drive in places that will shock your nerves into functioning normally. Here are some places in this country that maybe able to assist you in that regard. Try New York City, because you can learn there how to simultaneously roll down your window, while keeping your hand on the horn, as you swear at every driver and pedestrian that’s impeding your travel. Or maybe the southside of Chicago to text your reflexes, to see if you can avoid the crossfire during disputes between rival gangs. If you want to learn on a dirt road, any place in Mississippi should work, until it starts to rain. But probably the best place for you is Florida. Most of the drivers down there are rickety, retired, and they rarely drive over 25 mph, even on the expressway. Unfortunately, most of them are deaf too, so they can’t hear people scream when they run them over, or the sound of glass breaking when they hit the gas instead of the brake, and their vehicle finally comes to halt in an aisle of a grocery store. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 05/19/2018


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