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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

My older sister was born on July 4. She’s now in her 60s and refuses to celebrate the holiday. She also doesn’t want the immediate family to celebrate it either. We have tried to be supportive in years past, but we miss having our Fourth of July holiday. What do you suggest?

Signed, Allison

From Chicago, Illinois

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Dear Allison,

I am not sure what your sister’s motive is for refusing to celebrate her own birthday and has forbade her family not to celebrate the national holiday. However, if she continues her selfish warped behavior, I would suggest that your relatives start treating her like she is a highly contagious incurable disease. Ok, here are some of my recommendations. Because your sister is in her 60s, try to alter her birth certificate to make it show that she was born on July 5th. This might work because senior citizens are often gullible, and will believe almost anything. Make her feel alienated so she won’t ever bring the subject up again, by making up some false allegations, like she hates the 4th of July, because the sound of firecrackers reminds her of the guns she used to shoot at men in her past that has rejected her. If she has aged really bad, tell her that it’s not fair for her to impose her will on all of her kin, just because she looks like she was born in 1776. But if you want to keep the peace while making a point, try this. Tell her that everyone in her immediate family now agrees with her, but take it one step further. Inform her that no one related to her plans to celebrate any federal holidays, including Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve. But during those holidays “accidentally” text her some images of you and your family living it up! And if she asks why wasn’t she invited, tell her it wasn’t a party, but instead say “a bunch of our relatives just unexpectedly dropped by on those three holidays, bringing turkey, gifts, and champagne, you loser.” I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• July 1, 2018


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