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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

Earlier this month, my good friend injured his back, so I offered to help out with chores and errands while he recovers. One of the errands was to pick up some groceries, which included items for a barbecue party. No problem. However, I later learned he threw a grand cookout on the 4th of July, complete with boat rides, jet skis, fireworks and tons of food — the food I picked up for him. The kicker? I wasn’t invited! Am I immature for feeling angry and left out?

Signed, Betty

From Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin

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Dear Betty,

I am sorry that you feel snubbed, considering the amount of work you put in to help your friend. If he is still dependent on you on Memorial Day and throws another party, the correct thing to do, is go out of your way to ruin it. Here are some of my vindictive ideas. If he has boat rides at the next event, make sure that everyone wears a life preserver, because you don’t want anyone to drown after you secretly drill holes on the bottom of each vessel. Fireworks are often the highlight of parties. Using some double sided tape, stick some firecrackers to his back pocket with a 30 foot fuse, so you can walk away and appear innocent. Be sure and film him when the explosion starts, and put it on youtube, because he might unwittingly create a new dance. If you have to pick up the food again, get all of it from a place that sells exotic cuisines, giving his guests choices like shish kabob rats, zebra brains, and deep fried tarantulas. But since Memorial Day is to honor our fallen heroes, get everything on the grocery list he requested, just change the location of the venue, by having it in a local VA cemetery. This should attract plenty of hungry homeless veterans, along with some able body vets that will beat the crap out of your friend for blatantly disrespecting the military. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 07/07/2018


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