Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I’m a man in my mid-30s. For the past couple of years I’ve been in love with my best friend. She doesn’t know how I feel, and I know she doesn’t feel the same way about me. (She calls me the brother she always wanted.) I try hard to fight these feelings so our friendship can continue. She has been a huge part of my life, so losing her friendship would be devastating. To make matters more difficult, we are currently roommates and spend lots of time together. My heart breaks when she goes on dates or talks about guys she may be interested in. I know she’ll never see me as more than a friend. Is there any way I can get over these feelings so we can continue this amazing friendship?

Signed, Marvin
From Richmond, Virginia

 

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Dear Marvin,

Emotionally, you are in a very difficult place. I think you’re currently like a simmering volcano, and it’s just a matter of time before you do something that will make you the lead story on both local and national news. Anyway, here are some options you may want to consider. Move out immediately! And don’t worry, you’ll see her again when she sues you in small claims court for stiffing her for the rent when you broke the lease. Or, you must accept the fact that there is something about you physically that she can’t stand, that’s why she’s not involved with you. My guess is, because she does not want to hurt you, she’ll never tell you what it is about you that makes her flesh crawl. How about this one? Let her know your feelings by actions instead of words. Like every time she brings up another man, bang your head against the wall or weep uncontrollably. You’ll know how much she cares about you, based on how quickly she demands that you commit yourself to an insane asylum. And finally, in my opinion, the most obvious reason why she hasn’t given you her heart, is because she really likes torturing you. Most women find it entertaining to see a man interested in them teetering on the verge of madness, as backpay to what some other guy did to them sometime in the past. But don’t worry. I am confident she’ll eventually give you a romantic handwritten note sprinkled with perfume, that she slides under the door of your padded room. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• 10/07/2018


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or