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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

My in-laws are angry that I have declined to host them over the holidays this year. My husband is never helpful. When company comes, he sits on his mobile phone while I do everything. I told his parents I can’t have them over because all the responsibility falls on me. My “no” should suffice, but my mother-in-law hopes to argue me into hosting. I recently became disabled, and my in-laws keep pressuring me to share my diagnosis with them. They think I should cheerfully do all the work of hosting them as a way to fight my disability! They are extremely nosy. I am now blocking her calls. I know they will spend their time here trying to get a look at my medications and any financial information left out. What else can I do?

Signed, Hannah
From Davenport, Iowa

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Dear Hannah,

There is an old saying, “you can’t pick your in-laws”. But what you can pick, are the weapons to be used in a counterattack against those prying losers. Ok, here are some of my ideas that may encourage them to keep their distance. Send them some money to buy some food for the upcoming holiday season, and make sure all the cash is high grade counterfeit bills that they’ll probably notice. And then tell them that because they touched the money, you might have to mention their names as accomplices if you are arrested and gets offered a plea deal. Since they like snooping around, try leaving on your nightstand a list of untraceable lethal poisons, along with a smiley face that you drew next to each of their names. Or, you can tell them the diagnosis of your disability, which is, you have a rare disease which causes you to spontaneously throw punches, and you can’t control it. Once they get enough black eyes and teeth knocked out, they’ll either avoid you like the plague, or start wearing football helmets in your presence And finally, don’t block your mother-in-law’s number, take her calls. But every time you answer, act like you can’t hear her on the other end. Then act like it’s a bad connection with a telemarketer, which causes you to start calling the person some vile disgusting vicious names, that she can’t hold against you because you had “no idea” it was really her. And when she comes by your place, give her a cynical sneer, to indirectly let her know that you meant every word. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• October 13, 2018


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