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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I have been married to my husband for five years. We live in the same town as my in-laws, and for the most part, we get along great. However, my mother-in-law does something that makes me uneasy. She uses an app to track my husband. She pressured him into installing it right before our wedding and has tracked him ever since. She’ll often text or call him to ask why he’s going to the store, or what he was doing when he was late to work, etc. Once he tried to remove the app, but she quickly noticed and confronted him. I have never seen her so angry! My husband caved and reinstalled it. Since then, he says it doesn’t really bother him that she tracks him. Part of me feels that if he wants to let his mother track him, that’s his business. But another part of me feels this is an invasion of my privacy as well, since we are together much of the time. Am I wrong to be upset about this? What can I do to get my mother-in-law to give us some privacy?

Signed, Alice
From Madison, Wisconsin

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Dear Alice,

It is very obvious that your mother-in-law is extremely attached to her son. It’s also obvious that your mother-in-law is a few French fries short of a Happy Meal. The only thing I can recommend is for you to turn the tables on that over protective stalker, by getting an app that tracks her, and to question everything that looks remotely suspicious. Such as… if you see her just a few miles from a seedy part of town, ask her why is she driving near a crack house and is there something she wants to confess. Or, if she appears to be going even a couple of miles over the speed limit, call her and ask her is she is in a high speed police chase and what crime did she commit? Anytime she’s near a grocery store, text her a list of things that you and your husband need, make sure it’s enough to fill two shopping carts, and when she drops off the items, don’t pay her back. But if you really want to get to her, use the tracking app when she comes to your house. Every time she moves when you’re not in the same room she’s in, have her empty her purse as you catalog all of the contents. And when she’s not looking, plant some drugs in her purse, accuse her of being a dope addict, aggressively escort her out of your house, and then tell her she’s been permanently placed on the “no visit list”. My guess is, after that, she’ll only contact your husband using a land line. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• December 2, 2018


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